Anita Giovannini

Thoughts along the Walk of Life

Thoughts along the Walk of Life

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Some time ago I was in my mother’s tummy for a while; for about 9 months but also for more because I didn’t really know that I had to come out.  She is in me and will never leave me. She is and she’ll always be. Forever.

When you stop feeling guilty and apologising for who you are : Then, Life begins.

Being human, we fear tears. We should bless them : they are a powerful means of healing.

I love stations. I love airports. I love places of passage. While I wait I sit and observe. I look and I think. I think and I steal: ways to walk, gesture, talk ;  ways to be, wait, huff.  Many characters come to life inside me … they begin to breathe!  I only have to wait : at the right moment, when they aren’t expected, the characters come out and  I find that walk, that particular way of waiting, gesturing, talking. Nothing is ever created by just looking at one’s own bellybutton:  OBSERVING IS THE BASIS FOR CREATING!

Everyone has their own home, that particular place (physical or spiritual) where you feel “you’re in your place”. Mine is a spiritual place : I feel at home in many different places scattered around the world. They are places where I can do what I love, in the way I like.  My life without theatre leaves me without a raison d’être: Theatre saved my life, it saves me every day; It is my antidepressant, my medicine, the means by which I can control the ghosts of my past and transform them into Something beautiful and positive. The theatre is my cocoon: thanks to it, I’m becoming a butterfly … Light and multicoloured!

If optimism is the spice of life, irony is the cherry on the cake. Laughter is good for health. Laughing loudly, chuckling,  laughing until tears come out … laughing in tears! But laughing, a lot of it, as much as possible, without fear of wrinkles or time. Laughter doesn’t come from happiness: laughter is its cause!

I am grateful for what I know (what I am). I am grateful for all the oceans that I don’t know (what I’m not) and that I can learn (what I can be).

OK, I have a problem with detachment. ‘Goodbyes’ always put me in great melancholy. Maybe it’s because I know when an experience ends it’ll never happen again. “You can’t dip yourself twice in the same river”. This is also the beauty of life: everything flows. But sadness is never lacking! I get attached to people, places, latitudes, longitudes, streets, sidewalks … even rubbish bins! Even if I go here and there, I am and I remain a honeyed, sugary, chocolaty, and creamy little Cancer!

I’m only 35 years old … I have the whole life ahead to learn! (This phrase is valid also when I’m only 85 years old)

Beauty is relative, kisses are absolute!

To complain little. To do (as much as) what you can. To smile always.

Nature leaves me breathless. I stop and look at it. The last time I did, I was in a daze: I was passing by on my bike over a bridge in Amsterdam … “There’s a lot of movement in the air, the seagulls seem crazy. They’re waiting for something with trepidation! Then, on the right, I see a little old lady shuffling forward.  Suddenly, after searching inside her handbag, she pulls out a bag and starts scattering breadcrumbs. I stop and look: I understand that I’m part of Something very special:  a meeting between Man and Animal! A DANCE OF SEAGULLS invaded the canal, the sky and all the space around them. I drank in everything  with hungry eyes and a heart full of wonder. Observing the seagulls, the ease with which they spread their wings, I also felt myself a little freer. I felt like I had wings. I’d have liked to take flight and soar into the sky with them, even if for an instant. And for a moment it happened. I was in the air with them. Then, the show was over, the curtain closed and I found myself with my feet back firmly on the ground, without wings.” Now I think back to that magical moment. Life is made of many small magical moments. Just knowing to look, to be amazed. Every day I allow myself to be amazed and I discover many small magical moments. I’m alive!

I prefer to exit the theatre excited rather than sleepy.

I distrust in those who love everything: philanthropy is synonymous with self reference. Those who say they love everyone, loves no one in reality. Only themselves. (Obviously inspired by Berlusconi).

 I hate everything that’s “IN”:  whatever that’s become “IN” is already “OUT”.

The thing I love most about the circus?  It’s meritocratic. It’s written that if you commit yourself, the results will arrive. It’s like a little plant: it must be planted and loved every day with passion, commitment, love, trust.

Possible sources of inspiration: courageous people who don’t wallow in self-pity. It’s good to make mistakes,  it’s not always necessary, it’s useful at times. It’s good to make mistakes, to fall and to be able to get back on your feet. A person is (also) structured based on this. I distrust those who never make mistakes, simply because you can’t make mistakes when you never get in the game, when you lack the courage to try!

Unique, stimulating, exciting, certainty… without certainty!

TO THINK POSITIVE. TO SMILE AT LIFE. TO BE AS ENTHUSIASTIC AS POSSIBLE. TO NEVER STOP AMAZING YOURSELF… The daily exercise of HAPPINESS!

Bad luck can swoop down on you unexpectedly and you’ll have no choice, you can only deal with it. Happiness can knock at the door and it involves one choice: if you can accept it,  open the door and welcome it. If you don’t open the door, sooner or later, it will turn around and walk away.

This morning I also heard this: there exist a certain type of banking (can you write it like this?!?).  A kind of bank where you can deposit your fat for the future …. ahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I swear that I can’t stop laughing. Then, just as laughter passes, I can’t stop becoming sad. Real life, as Pirandello said, far exceeds imagination … and what good would this fat be? But obviously: it’ll be in a safe place to draw out from when we decide to smooth out our wrinkles. It’s flawless logic!

I’m living the most outrageous period of my life.I’m learning to look inside myself and not to fear suffering anymore.  I’m learning that pretending everything is OK because you’re lazy to grow is just existing, not living.I’m learning that there is no greater joy than having someone to share emotions, souls, interests, dreams, passions.I’m learning the magic that only the sharing of small things is worth giving.I’m learning to take care of myself, and then perhaps, of others. I’m learning that Love is something that comes from within and that it has the power to unleash an energy force that can move mountains. I’m learning that to have fear is a self-inflicted limitation for not living. I don’t want to be afraid of admitting that I have fear!  I want to face my fears.I’ve never done anything more outrageous in my life.

I spent a good part of my life surrounded by “myths”:  CHARACTERS who act their roles so well in life, so much so that they are the first who believe that they are sincere. They are often considered the “winnings”, often perceived, often mistaken for “strong people.” They present themselves as such, they have the typical attitude of “I can smash the world!”. Then, you scratch the surface and sadly discover that beneath, they are superficial … And so, I began appreciating appearance less and substance more : I began realizing that insecurity is directly proportional to cockiness! I discovered the pleasure of being with PEOPLE who “seem less”, but in reality “they are a lot more.”

Time is relative, but it’s still nice to have a reason to celebrate. We should celebrate in a big way, every day of our lives! It could be the last or the first day of the year, or the hundred-twentieth! Let’s live intensely, accepting the fact that pain is part of “being alive”,  of “being here”;  Ignoring, not accepting and not dealing with pain is part of being human.  Not being embarrassed about it, sharing this pain is the only ways to endure it and grow! Have a happy penultimate day of the year, have a good start, have a good end, but above all : I WISH YOU ALL A GOOD DAY EVERY DAY  OF THEYEAR!

 

My cat, Pedro, teaches me a lot of things. My cat Pedro tells me I have to trust intuition. He’s very intuitive, it doesn’t take much for him to figure out who he’s dealing with. If he’s suspicious, there’s always a reason. My cat Pedro teaches me what is self-respect:  He never puts himself in the hands of someone else, especially if that person is foolish and/or frustrated. But above all, my cat Pedro goes grrrrrr in my ear, even at night, when he sleeps on my tummy and warms me with his super soft fur and positive energy … He warms my tummy and heart! And I love him very, very much. I adore him. I love and revere him, because he is a God, a small, furry, very soft God of the fireplace! HAIL PEDRO DE PEDRUZIANIS, GOD OF THE FIREPLACE AND UNDISPUTED KING OF PELO-PONNESO.

For me eating chocolate is cathartic. And screaming at the world: “I LOVEEEEE CHOCOLATE!!!!!!  Dark chocolate mind you. Perhaps because, from small, I’ve suffered a dangerous sickness: a tendency to be overweight. Chocolate was banned in my house. And when I got the chance, I binged in secret, only to hear myself say : “you’re getting fat, eh?”. That’s one of the many good reasons for being an adult: eating all the chocolate that I like!  Isn’t this fabulous?

I’VE COME OUT OF THE CLOSET : I finally found out what is that annoying continuous swallowing that sometimes grips me … it’s called GLOBUS HYSTERICUS ! (One of the many manifestations of anxiety)

There are people that just can’t be what others want them to be : to say what “should be said, to  do what “should be done” … There are people who know “only” to be themselves. They accept their limitations, they love their talents, they love who they are and it doesn’t matter that they aren’t liked by everyone. I deeply respect those who fight daily to be themselves.

It’s really curious: in this country the work of an actor has more to do with PR than with talent. For talent, I don’t mean just a natural talent, I also include the work, commitment, dedication. And then I wonder: how do they find time to do PR?  I dedicate my time between work, exercise (physical and mental, discipline  in short), searching (outside but mostly inside myself), continuously trying to improve everything I do, even a repeated show that I had done 1000 times. The work of an actor is a serious matter, it isn’t like what it appears to be (as many think). Indeed … the Actor wants to appear at the scene because he’s worked hard for that and to do it well, but outside he’d like more so to disappear!

My life as a Cancer:   I lock my bike to a pole, I go somewhere, I come back an hour later and … my bike is gone! After the first moment of consternation (stolen by aliens? Dematerialized? Gone for a ride without me? These and other intelligent questions that went through my mind). I look hard at the pole, it’s a big pole, tall (short) not even a meter and a half tall. I would like to extend a heartfelt appeal to my ascendant, Virgo: “But … when I need you, where the fuck are you????”

“Cry, a river of tears cleans us …” – David Shiner. Only if we have the courage to live our emotions, we can be free! A denial of emotions is equivalent to the denial of Life. I am very grateful for the journey that I’m in. The clown is just this : the search for inner freedom and the love for Life! Returning from the Nouveau Clown Institute with a suitcase full of tears and smiles, all the tears and the smiles shared in these two splendid weeks! And with a little bit more love for myself and for my inner world, so full of joy and pain … so full of Life!

The only impossible thing is what we don’t believe in. We begin to consider possible, the impossible !

“The Clown loves to swim in the ocean of emotions and problems” – David Shiner. Wow … I’m home !!!

There are people who are only able to recite his own script, the character he has built, and spends his life always saying just those three lines. He acts, and acts and acts, and he believes in this character so much that he no longer exists as an individual and only has this mask. Sometimes, in a flicker of lucidity, some flashes come and a few questions arise, but then everything is thrown back inside, concealed, removed. Better to continue the recital. It takes courage to be yourself, it takes courage to reflect on questions, it takes courage to dig deep inside yourself, it takes courage to think by yourself, it takes courage to act for yourself and not limit yourself. It takes courage to find your identity, it takes courage to enrich your cliché and become a Person.

Blowing out candles, I’ve always liked a lot. Perhaps because it reminds me of the summers by the sea, birthdays celebrated on the terrace in Lido di Spina. The waiting for that little moment  when you spend it with people who love you; it  becomes great, an immense moment of joy. Blowing out candles, I’ve always liked very much. Perhaps because I remember my childhood … I wasn’t too carefree even then, but I had a great mum who filled every hole, who made me feel accepted, understood, right and not wrong … now it’s time to face the borders of those holes, to look inside them. Now it’s time to face them, without alibis, without excuses. Blowing out candles, I liked it so much, and I’ll do it every year for the rest of my days!

The most desired compliment these days: “How you’ve lost weight!”. As if beauty was measured in kilos … at times you see beautiful women, women with breathtaking curves … Real women!  Creating a thousand paranoia for yourself  … but how is this possible? This obsession with being skinny at all costs, I believe, is one of the many devious tricks to make us always more anxious, unhappy, dissatisfied with ourselves. Long live health! And long live those who accept their body without giving in to exasperating blackmail that wants all of us to be the same! Beauty is feeling good about yourself!

There is nothing more fascinating (and rare) of a man that, to conquer you, he won’t need to be cocky. Perhaps to grow also means this: to get rid of adolescent stereotypes, attractive at certain moments of life, pathetic if continued ad-libitum. IF WE THOUGHT A LITTLE LESS TO AMAZE OTHERS AND A LITTLE MORE TO BE OURSELVES, WE WOULD BE MUCH MORE INTRIGUING AND AMAZING!  I look around and I see so many people of a certain age that behave as teenagers do. Growing up is hard, very hard, because it involves a deal of ourselves and the consequent admission of not being God. Each of us has our limits and, I’ll say, thank goodness! It is the courage to admit them and the knowledge of them makes us interesting!  After all, narcissism gives rise to boredom, self-referencing, limitations.

Passion saves lives. Have something to fight for, to sweat , rejoice, get angry, suffer, inebriate. Have something that makes you feel alive every day, even when the wind starts blowing and shakes your tired legs, even when your stomach explodes from discomfort, even when too much injustice seems to have the upper hand and everything seems meaningless. Even when … even when there’s theatre. If I were a person of flesh and blood, I could say: Thank you! If I were a kind of food, I could overeat without experiencing nausea. If I were a city, I could take refuge there, if I were … Every damn day of my life, theatre is a permanent thought, an adored obsession, urgency, commitment, sweat. The more I learn, the thirstier I am to do it. I’m sick! But what a good sickness to have, Passion!

 

Learning makes me feel alive. I want to learn as long as I live. Never stopping to get involved.  To always have new stimuli.  Never lying down on what I’ve learned. In life and in theater. If you have so much life inside you and so much thirst for it, nothing is impossible. It’s the journey that makes my life really interesting,  not the end point.

Finally what Andy Warhol said came true: today each of us is entitled to 15 minutes of fame. God willing!  It lacked just a little of Constantine and a pinch of Bobo and “the medicine goes down.” Today everyone can rise to the limelight, no matter who, how, why and in what way, but you hope to get there! To get there. Everybody wants to get there. You spend to do it, jostle, sweat, fight, compromise, not for ideals or ideas, not to defend your dignity but to get there for a little visibility that allows you to stand out, to be recognized. Therefore, let’s get there… Where? To shine in the limelight, right? You get there, you get there, even if it wouldn’t be bad that sometimes you restarted again to return to that dignified shadow  where you’d be destined for with dignity. Everything is flat:  from TV screens to the catwalk models, from nose jobs similar to acrobatic ski competition launch slopes (or whatever it’s called) that was shown “once upon a time” on cathode TV – a time very far back when plurality existed and you could see other sports besides football. From nose jobs, I’ve said, so often false and inappropriately sculpted on faces, to ideas and tastes, or whatever remains of personal taste which should be subjective. The concept of a person no longer exists. There are masses of individuals. There are herds of fans that fill stadiums and keep chanting BOO, BOO at the black football player (who is then forced to apologize for telling the truth:  the fans in fact suck). There are colonies of holidaymakers who make the exodus in August to go swarm the beach. There are the shoals of teenagers who rape the weak. There are bands that set fire to the homeless or foreigners. How did we arrive at this point? We are running on a wheel like hamsters in the illusion of being free, to travel, to move around, to advance, to get there. This is what they make us believe. This is what bombards our brains every day: drops of lies, floods of falsehoods, oozing from mouths that know no shame, no dignity. This is the world of false illusions, stroboscopic illusionism, of despicable illusionists. This is the world of “getting there.” I don’t know if I want to depart.

It is not easy being “human”. Let’s seek out to be as  “human” as possible and to be “inhuman” as little as possible! Let’s seek to accept our limitations. Let’s learn to see our strengths. Let’s forgive ourselves when we make mistakes but not be thrifty when asking for forgiveness. Let’s love as much as possible! We’re all unique, different. We’re all special because we’re unique and different! Life is not a walk : It’s a climb to get to the top of a mountain! When we’re at the top breathing pure air, we’ll watch a film of our personal lives : What that has been. Now is not the time to take stock. Now it’s time to live! I wish you all a good day every day of the year!

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